I saw Virginia get rid of Langley

Take this quiz, post the results, and see how much things have changed since then!
8 years ago...
How old were you? 9
What grade were you in? 4th
Where did you go to school? Tate's School of Discovery
Where did you work? I didn't
Where did you live? Knoxville, TN
Where did you hang out? My bedroom?
How was your hair style? Buzzed.
Did you wear braces? no
Did you wear glasses? yes
Who was your best friend? Ben and Dillon
Who was your boyfriend/girlfriend? n/a
Who was your celebrity crush? n/a
Who was your regular-person crush? n/a
Were you a virgin? absolutly
How many piercings did you have? none
How many tattoos did you have? none
What was your favorite band? Linkin Park
What was your biggest fear? Being forced to go live with one of my parents
Had you smoked a cigarette yet? nope
Had you gotten drunk or high yet? nope
Had you driven yet? nope
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5 years ago...
How old were you? 12
What grade were you in? 7th
Where did you go to school? West Valley Middle
Where did you work? nowhere
Where did you live? Knoxville, Tennessee
Where did you hang out? My bedroom.
How was your hair style? Scruffy ugly mullet thing.
Did you wear braces? nope
Did you wear glasses? yupers.
Who was your best friend? Evan, Chris, Scott, Geoffrey.
Who was your boyfriend/girlfriend? n/a
Who was your celebrity crush? n/a
Who was your regular-person crush? Gabby.
Were you a virgin? yeah
How many piercings did you have? none
How many tattoos did you have? none
What was your favorite band? Rise Against
What was your biggest fear? Being sent to boarding school
Had you smoked a cigarette yet? nope
Had you gotten drunk or high yet? nope.
Had you driven yet? nope.
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Now:
How old are you? 17
Whats your educational status? gonna graduate soon
Where do you go to school? Valley High
Where do you work? nowhere, goddammit.
Where do u live? Salt Lake City, Utah
Where do you hang out? My basement.
How is your hair style? shitty medium length girl's haircut. XD
Do you wear braces? nah
Do you wear glasses? Still blind.
Who is your best friend? Eric.
Who is your boyfriend/girlfriend: Gabby :D
Who is your celebrity crush: Hayley Williams? Karen O? Cassadee Pope? TOM MORELLO.
Who is your real life crush: Gabby.
How many piercings do you have? none.
How many tattoos do you have? none
What is your favorite band? My band is my favorite.
What is your biggest fear? abandonment
Have you smoked a cigarette?: nope
Have u been drunk/high?: yeah
Are You a virgin: yes


ANGER
1. who did you last get angry with? Eric.
2. what is your weapon of choice? Brass Knuckles.
3. would you hit a member of the opposite sex? No.
4. how about of the same sex? Absolutly.
5. who was the last person who got really angry at you? Gabby.
6. what is your pet peeve? stupid people who really want to be my friend.
7. do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? I'm not sure. Is that bad?

SL0TH
1. what is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? been on time to school
2. what is the latest you've ever woken up? I think I've woken up at every hour on the clock, and some that I made up.
3. name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't: Erynn
4. what is the last lame excuse you made? "I was dead at the time"
5. have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones...)?: Absolutly not.
6. when was the last time you got a good workout? A few days ago, on snake run.
7. how many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? Haven't slept.

GLUTTONY
1. what is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? What?
2. meat eaters: white meat or dark meat? Vegetarian. Suck it.
3. what is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? Enough to loose all coordination, but not enough to do stupid shit.
4. have you ever used a professional diet company? lol, diets.
5. do you have an issue with your weight? I'd like to be more muscled, but that's it.
6. do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? Spicy.
7. have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, "LUNCH"? When Hannah's around.

LUST
1. how many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? Three?
2. how many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)? One.
3. have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? At that point, is it really a normal conversation?
4. what is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? Eyes. Butt.
5. have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? Yes.
6. have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? Pregnancy, once.
7. is love at first sight really lust? what?

GREED
1. how many credit cards do you own? none
2. what's your guilty pleasure store? n/a
3. if you had $1 million, what would you do with it? Guitars. Amps. Maybe a bus.
4. would you rather be rich, or famous? Famous.
5. would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? Absolutly not.
6. have you ever stolen anything? yes
7. how many MP3s are on your hard drive? around 11,000

PRIDE
1. what one thing have you done that you're most proud of? My music
2. what one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? My granny's proud of me graduating
3. what thing would you like to accomplish in your life? become a fucking rock star
4. do you get annoyed by coming in second place? always.
5. have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? Does a fist fight count?
6. have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? Yeah.
7. what did you do today that you're proud of? Talked to my dad.

ENVY
1. what item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? I want cody's amp.
2. who would you want to go on "trading spaces" with? Someone rich.
3. if you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? Eric.
4. have you ever been cheated on? I hope not.
5. have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? Muscle.
6. finally, what is your favorite deadly sin? Wrath.




-- The shoes you wore today: Simple Hemp Tubas
-- Your eyes: green/orange, blue, or grey
-- Your weakness: Paranoia.
-- Your fears: abandonment, complacency, and failure

-----------------WHAT IS------------------
-- Your most overused phrase: "Your perception defines your reality." Fuck you, Eric.
-- Your thoughts before you go to bed: Lol, go to bed.
-- The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: Voice/// I don't look at people, lol
-- Your best physical feature: n/a
-- Your greatest accomplishment: my setlist.
-- Your most missed memory: Gabby.
-----------------YOU PREFER------------------
-- Pepsi or coke: n/a
-- McDonald's or Burger King: Burger King has a veggie burger :D
-- Single or group dates: single
-- Adidas or Nike: Simple
-- Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Coffee

-----------------DO YOU------------------
-- Smoke: no
-- Cuss: Fuck no.
-- Take a shower everyday: usually two
-- Have a crush: yes
-- Who are they: my girlfriend
-- Do you think you've been in love?: I know I am.
-- Want to go to college: yes
-- Like high school: Under no circumstance.
-- Want to get married: someday
-- Type w/ your fingers on the right keys: no.
-- Believe in yourself: Sometimes
-- Get motion sickness: nope
-- Think you're attractive: Nope
-- Think you're a health freak: Oh God no.
-- Get along with your parents: nope.
-- Like thunderstorms: Absolutly. i hate living in a desert.
-- Play an instrument: several

------------IN THE PAST MONTH DID:/:HAVE YOU--------------
-- Drank alcohol: nope
-- Done a drug: nyquil?
-- Have Sex: nope
-- Have done sexual things: nope
-- Made Out: nope
-- Go on a date: nope
-- Go to the mall: nope
-- Eaten sushi: nope
-- Been on stage: no D:
-- Been dumped: nope
-- Gone skating: nope D:
-- Made homemade cookies: nope.
-- Been in love: Yeah.
-- Dyed your hair: I wish.
-- Stolen anything: Nope.

----------------HAVE YOU EVER------------------
-- Flown on a plane: Yuppers.
-- Missed school because it was raining?: nope
-- Told a guy/girl that you liked them?: yes
-- Cried during a Movie?: nope
-- Ever thought an animated character was hot?: nope
-- Had an imaginary friend: a long time ago
-- Been on stage?: Yeah.
-- Cut your hair: yep
-- Had crush on a teacher?: Nope.
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing?: Yeah
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: nope
-- Been caught "doing something": yes, lol
-- Been called a tease: Hell no.
-- Gotten beaten up: Yeah
-- Been in a fight: yes
-- Shoplifted: yes
-- Snuck out of the house?: Hell yes.
-- Cried to get out of trouble?: I wished that worked for me.
-- Gotten lost in your city?: Absolutly.
-- Seen a shooting star?: yes
-- Been to any other countries besides the united states?: FUCK CANADA.
-- Had a serious surgery?: nah
-- Stolen something important to someone else?: Nope.
-- Solved a rubiks cube?: nope
-- Gone out in public in your pajamas? nope
-- Cried over a girl?: Yeah
-- Cried over a boy?: no.
-- Kissed a random stranger?: no
-- Hugged a random stranger? no
-- Been in a fist fight?: yes
-- Been arrested?: yes
-- Had alcohol?: yes
-- Laughed and had milk come out of your nose?: eww, milk
-- Pushed all the buttons on an elevator?: God yes.
-- Gone to school only to find you had the day off because of a holiday/etc?: yes sadly.
-- Swore at your parents?: many many times
-- Been to warped tour?: Yeah. It is fail.
-- Kicked a guy where it hurts?: Maybe on accident
-- Been in love?: yes
-- Been close to love?: what?
-- Been to a casino?: Nope.
-- Ran over an animal and killed it?: nope
-- Broken a bone?: nope
-- Gotten stitches?: yeah
-- Had a waterballoon fight in winter?: I'm not that dumb.
-- Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour?: again, ew, milk.
-- Made homemade muffins?: nope
-- Bitten someone?: yes :3
-- Been to disneyland/disneyworld?: Yeah. it was fail.
-- More than 5 times?:No.
-- Been to niagra falls?: no
-- Burped in someones face?: probobly.
-- Gotten the chicken pox?: when I was really little.

-----------------THE FUTURE------------------
-- Age you hope to be married: Idk.
-- Numbers and Names of Children: Over 9,000. I'll name them after musicians.
-- How do you want to die?: In a fantastic manor, on T.V.
-- What do you want to be when you grow up?: a fucking rock star
-- What country would you most like to visit?: Switzerland.

-----------------OPPOSITE SEX------------------
-- Best eye color: idc
-- Best hair color: dark.
-- Short or long hair: long.
-- Best height: idc
-- Best weight: idc
-- Best first date location: idc
-- Best first kiss location: Somewhere awesome.

-----------------NUMBER OF-----------------
-- Number of girlfriends/boyfriends you've had: officially? one.
-- Number of kisses you've given: 193.
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: No drugs.
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: Three.
-- Number of CDs that I own: you mean frisbees? A lot.
-- Number of piercings: none.
-- Number of tattoos: none
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: idk
-- Number of scars on my body: Four.
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: I can't count that high.

----------------FAVORITES------------------
-- Shampoo: Suave kids, passion fruit, or dragon fruit. idk, itcomes in a yellow bottle and smells delicious.
-- Fav. Color: White.
-- Day/Night: Night.
-- Summer/Winter: Winter.
-- Lace or Satin: Satin.
-- Fave Cartoon Character: The Gorrilaz.
-- Fave Food: Pizza.
-- Fave Movies: Waking Life and Where The Wild Things Are.
-- Fave sport: MMA
-- Band/Group: My band.
-- Song: The Good Left Undone x Rise Against.
-- Stuffed animal: my penguin :3
-- Video game: Starfox 64
-- TV show: Dexter? House?
-- Book: The Spinal Chord Perception
-- Game on a cell phone: n/a
-- CD Cover: The Sufferer and the Witness, Rise Against.
-- Scent: Honneydew mellon candles, and skin.
-- Animal: Orcas.
-- Comic book: Watchmen. Tank Girl. Amazing Spiderman. Secret Invasion.
-- Cereal: n/a
-- Website: facebook

----------------RIGHT NOW------------------
-- Wearing: Boxors.
-- Drinking: nothing
-- Thinking about: this survey
-- Listening to: some obscure Rage against the machine song.

---------------IN THE LAST 24 HRS------------------
-- Cried: nope
-- Worn jeans: yes
-- Met someone new online: I guess.
-- Done laundry: yup
-- Drove a car: yup
-- Talked on the phone: nope

---------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN--------------
-- Yourself: sometimes
-- Your friends: rarely
-- Santa Claus: no
-- Tooth Fairy: no
-- Easter Bunny: no
-- Destiny/Fate: no
-- Angels: no
-- God: in a way

--------FRIENDS AND LIFE------------------
-- Do you ever wish you had another name?: My mom was gonna name me Valcor. I wish she would've.
-- Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?: Yeah. :)
-- Do you like anyone?: see above.
-- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: Gabby?
-- Who have you known the longest of your friends?: Colin.
-- How many friends do you have?: Less than 10.
-- What are their names?: Gabby, Colin, Eric, Jeremy, Geoffrey, Hannah, Erynn, Joe, Harrison.
-- Do you have a best friend?: I guess.
-- Have you ever liked one of your friends?: see above.
-- Do you have more guy friends or more girl friends?: guy
-- Have you ever lost a friend?: yes
-- Have you ever gone to an amusement park with a friend?: yes
-- Whats an inside joke between you and a friend?: So. Many. jokes.
-- Have you ever gotten in a big arguement with a friend?: yeah
-- Whats the nicest thing youve ever done for a friend?: I dunno
-- Whats the nicest thing a friend has ever done for you?: Flown to SLC.
-- Do you miss any of your old friends?: Yes.
-- Do you regret anything youve done to a friend?: yes
-- If so, what is it?: I wish I would have known what was going on with Morgan.
-- How often do you spend time with your friends?: I see joe for band practice, and I hang out with Eric online.
-- Do any of your friends drive?: yeah
-- Has a friend of yours ever died?: yeah
-- Whats the dumbest thing youve done with a friend?: stolen a car.
-- What do you think your friends think of you?: "wow, he's an ass."
-- Are you close to any family member?: nope.
-- When have you cried the most: breakups
-- What's the best feeling in the world?: Being with someone you love.
-- Worst Feeling?: Playing a show where people just stare, or leave. :(
-- What time is it now? 9:42

I'm really sick of my own shit. I can't make anyone happy. I can't be succesful. I can't trust people, but people trust me. I can't do anything that matters. I just sit around, and let oprotunity pass. I let my life drive itself. I'm on autopilot. Zombie mode. Coasting. I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of seeing the truth. I wanna be happy. I want beautifull cliches. I want classic lines to work. I want to be in a 50's tv show. I want love, money, and happiness. This will never happen. I'll just rot away, in this hole I dug for myself. I can't get myself out, and I won't let anyone help me. This is sickly self pitty. This is worse than suicide. This is self inflicted torture. This is self mutalation. This is stupid, and pointless, and pitiful. This is whining, this is inaction. Apathy is gone, and slovency took it's place. It's worse than not caring. It's caring, and not taking action. It's just talk. It's just thoughts. It's not real. But reality is defined by perception. Perception is defined by situation. Situation is defined by reality. Spinning in circles. Talking in spirals. This is the opposite of logic. I am the nemisis of reason. 

I wish I wasn't so paranoid. I wish I could trust people. I wish that I didn't think that every word out of everyone's mouth is a lie. I wish I could stop analyzing. I wish I could stop thinking' "what's their angle?". I wish I had friends in real life, my own age. Not through the internet. I wish my life wasn't so difined by this girl. I wish these decions were concious. I wish I could see people as human beings, instead of obstacles. Instead of wastes of time. I wish I didn't wish for so much. I wish I could look at a girl without comparing. Without missing. Without always judging in the favor of memory. I wish I could remember the bad things. I wish I had ammunition. I wish I wasn't so paranoid. I wish small, seemingly unrelated incedents could keep that classification. I wish I could have dreams without people I know in them. I wish I could beleive in something. I wish I had faith. I wish I could blindly follow. I wish I could be soothed. I wish I knew that things would work out. I wish I knew that things would be okay. I wish I were dead. I wish I had a good day. I wish I could lie, and say that I had a good day. I wish I didn't hate people. I wish I wasn't jealous. I wish someone cared. I wish I could be woth something. I wish I could be worth your time. I wish I could be worth your breath. I wish I wasn't so paranoid.

I just looked through all my old journal's entries. Back when we were Pyro_dreams, Bloodnblack, and Star_Summit. Remember that, gurlllls?

So, right now, I'm in a hotel in Phoenix, Arizona. I just saw Nine Inch Nails, and it was fucking amazing. The experience was.... religious. All concerts are. Let's combine a bunch of the things that make life worth living, and combine them for a few hours. Sensory assault. Sights, sounds, smells, feel, and taste. Each of these was distinct. The light show was amazing. The music was amazing. The smell was terrible, but verry unique. The feel, I love the feel. The bass rattles your rib cage. You have to move. It isn't physicly possible to be still. And the dry, hot, sandy air. Tinged with the over saturation of our little atmosphere by alchohol. The starter band was fucking good. I should've done my homework. I didn't know anything about them, and hadn't heard any of there music. HOW COULD I NOT KNOW THAT TOM MORELLO PLAYED IN THAT BAND? Fucking guitar legend. Amazing. Simply amazing. Their vocalist was energy. Pure energy. Channeled into the groove of every song. NIN was second. Before Jane's Addiction. WTF. WHY WAS NIN NOT THE CLOSER? Jane's Addiction sucked. I really wanted to leave. But my friend wanted to hear them. I don't know why. The Singer was stoned off his ass, and dressed like a jedi. You couldn't understand a goddamn thing he was "singing".

I'm tired of apathy. I'm tired of biding my time. I'm ready to be amazing now. I'm ready for risks. I'm ready for irreparable damage. I'm ready to wreck my life for a stupid cause. I'm ready to be reckless. I'm ready to break rules. I'm living. I want my intensity back.

Bad day. Bad week. Bad year. 

I moved across the Salt Lake valley. It's not a big deal. Or, it wouldn't be, in any sensible place. I moved like, maybe 3 miles. Maybe. All the kids I knew at my old school (both of them) freaked out. "Like, what are you gonna do, man? That's sooooo far." So far. I moved across a continent, dumbass. This is peanuts to my last move. I guess it is a big deal in the sense that I have to change schools. With twenty-two days left in the school year, no one cares about my transfer grades. I'm not getting credit for shit this year. I'll have sixteen credits total, eight from freshman year, and eight from sophomore. I'll be a junior next year. Again. Woopie. That's my fault though. I can't complain about that. I threw a fit when I found out I was moving, and didn't do any work in knoxville before I left. I had the easiest classes. I really fucked up on that one. Oh well.

My third high school this year isn't a bad place, it's just my third high school this year. None of my teachers are cool, some of them just the opposite. But that's to be expected with a public high school.

Good news: I might move back to Knoxville. And I'm trying this thing where I'm a nice guy.

 So I got hit by a car. I was on a bike, and I got hit by a car. I got fucked up good. Right after I got hit I flagged a car down and asked if he would take me to the hospital. He said, "I'm sorry man, I have an apointment.". Fuck him. The second person I got actually took me there. She was freaking out the whole time cause I was bleeding from this gash on my head. But I finally got to the hospital. I expected them to clean me up, and make sure I was o.k. This was no the case. The first thing that I had to do was fill out some paperwork. It's very hard to fill out paperwork after you've just smashed your face into some road. So I left a little blood on the paperwork. Then they take my blood pressure and heartrate. Then I get to go to a room. Since I'm a minor, they can't treat me until my granny gets there. So I sit in a hospital room for an hour and a half, in excruciating pain, ill my granny gets there. After she gets there, we wait another half hour for someone to even look at me. Finaly they decide to scrub the gravel out of all abrasions...... without anisthtetic. So I get cleaned for an hour, then bandaged then I get driven home, where we look for the place on the road that I got fucked up on, only to discover someone took my bike, and my backpack with 150$ worth of stuff. Fuck my life. The next morning, my eye is swolen shut. I didn't even hit my eye. the blood from the cut on my head is draining under my skin, into and around my eye. Look.FML.

 So, I've had this dream twice. The strangest, most frightening dream I've ever had, and it's back. It's strange, because in the dream, I can see things that actually happened. I can see myself, calling this girl; but I can also see this girl answering. The kind of out of body experience only dreams can provide. I guess I'll explain all the parts that really a happened first. I'm at a friend's house, but I can't drive anywhere. This girl, who I love, has been orchestrating my whole weekend so that she'll have people to drive me around. I call her, and she say's she's watching movies at a friends house. I know the friend she means. I don't like him. So I ask if she can pick me up, and she say's "when the movie's over. This really pisses me off. I know I shouldn't be the center of her world, but I'm only in town for one more day. And she wants to hang out with this fellow, and watch movies. Then, an hour rolls by, I call her again. No answer. I call her again in a half hour, no answer. About an hour later, she calls me. I'm really, really mad at this point (perhaps unreasonably so) so I tell her she should just hang out with this guy, that she'll se me in 3 months when I'm in town again. She gets mad at me for saying this, and it calms me down. Makes me realize how much of an ass I'm being. So I said okay, pick me up. She says her friend, who'll be driving, has to get ready first. This is fine, I think. How long could it possibly take to "get ready"? So an hour goes by, and I call her. No answer. I call again, she answers short of breath and laughing, "Aw, man. I was having fun upstairs." This upsets me. Jealousy. Envy for this friend who has her "upstairs". Whatever that means. So it takes them two hours to find the place I'm staying, and when they get there, they're laughing and carrying on. This is not helping calm me down. So this friend drops us off at his house and leaves for a few hours. There is not a dvd player in the living room. When I ask this girl if she wants to watch a movie, she tells me the only dvd player is in her friend's room. We go to her friend's room. The only piece of furniture is a bed. She was watching movies in bed with this guy. This upsets me. Also, this room is upstairs. Only bedrooms are upstairs. She was "having fun upstairs" with this guy. At this point I'll skip ahead to later when they're driving me back to the place I'm staying. This girl and I get out of the car and close the door, her friend cant hear us. This is the last time I'll se her for moths, and we both know it. I tell her I love her, she says it back. I say it again, she says it back. I say it again, and again, and again. She responds in turn. As I'm walking toward the house, and she's getting in the car, I say it again. Shout , more like. She responds, "Zach loves you too." Zach is the friend I've been able to refrain from naming for so long. This upsets me greatly. At first, I think it's because she didn't say "I love you", then I think about it. I think about why this tiny act makes me this off kilter. I realized, it upsets me because her friend can hear her now, and she won't say it. This is me being paranoid. This is me making mountains out of mole hills. This is me fooling myself into believing in something terrible. This is my sub conscious filling in the blanks. This is my completely plausable nightmare. This is my imagined history. All the wonderful things about being with her, I imagine her sharing with this friend. Everything special or secret, I imagine her sharing with this friend. All the things I hope to one day share with her, I imagine her already sharing with this friend. I can't take this dream again. This is torture. 

I can't possibly put into words how I feel right now. All I can say is I love Gabby. I love midnight arrivals, elevator rides, eating highlighter, awkward showers, friend's apartments, and pretending to watch movies.

I was a human, and I had a typewriter. I was in some sort of village maybe in africa, but everyone was an animal.
There was a young emalelion who hubg aroundme all the time. there were some other humans in the village, but they could turn into animals. I was supposed to document or write about them.
the young lion girl called them zombies. the village ran out of water, and pople were getting sic, so we left the village on Kingston pike.
It took forever on a straight road, but when we finnalhy got to a curve, I was suddenly the only one there, There were some sort of huge dogs there
that were hungry and vicious. i tried to make friends with them but they wanted to eat me. When two of them started cicling me, I put my arms above my head, and started roaring
I was trying to look big like a bear till my caravan got here to help. it didnt work, and one of the dogs bit my arm.
Just as they were starting to tear into my flesh, I remembered I could turn into a lion. it was to late to use it to defend myself, but it would give theese
starving dogs a bigger meal, and maybe they woulsnt eat my comrades, when they came around the bend. Just after i turned into a lion, and started dying, I heard a voice say
somthing like,"so the dogs and the lion had a last meal together".

All I wanted was change, and I got it. I thought, maybe a change in scenery will spawn a change in attitude. Maybe if their system works, I can pass. When I move, I can be anybody I want. I can change if only my surroundings change. I thought abandoning a place that held certain defeat meant certain victory. The only certainty in uncertainty. The only constant is change. The universe is is a constant state of flux, and I am the smallest possible, measurable unit of consequence. Love is systemic, total, and absolute. It changes slowly, with finesse, grace even. Apathy is death. Death is liberation. My life is a movie, and everyone I know is a bitter critic. Is a painful hell better than a numb life? Don't question me, question yourself. Die and find out. I woke up, interrupting a terrible dream, and now refuse to sleep, in fear of returning to my nightmare world. These are the rantings of a psychopath. A parody of decency. A natural cancer in the otherwise perfect artificially engineered body of society. To live is to surrender. Her lips. Her skin. Beautiful, violent, perfect, secret, dangerous, and only barely in control. Memories are torturous. erasure is death. Death is compromise. Kissing in the rain. Beautiful cliches. Running bare feet across the neighbor's lawn to give my last piece of you back. Car, strewn diagonally, stopping possible, but imaginary traffic. My hand on her cheek, hot from tears already begun. Her arms high crossed behind my neck, moist with morning mist, rain, tears, and kisses. Kiss with absolute conviction. Nothing matters, not the running car, not the running clock. The final goodbye is regret, truth, sorrow, sweetness, lies, and secrets. I still haven't cried.

So, I not going to see Paramore and No Doubt. I'm going to buy aplane ticket instead. I'll be in Knoxville the 9th-13th, barring any douchbaggery on my Granny's part. All I have to do is keep my grades up. Which is fucking rediculous. I'm failing propaganda class with a 39, Humanities and Geometrywith 50's, and I have a "No grade" in Greenhouse, cause I just go home alot. Or I go to the Keep.

The Keep is a card/comic/game shop about two miles form my house and/or school. I fucking love it there. That place is a chapel, housing Saints and Deacons of the single greatest commodaty here in mormonland, acceptance. They don't care that I hae blue hair, or that I'm fat, or that I'm a veggie, or that I don't agree with their religious veiws. As long as I can play the game (Magic). Respect is what comes next, and I can see the gears starting to move. Not only can I play the game, I can WIN. I play well, and I play with inteligence. I'm creative, and ingenuitive. I don't think like other players. This game is comsuming my life though. I play tournaments on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, and I'm playing with friends all the other days. I play magic on all the days that end in a Y.

In other news, Joe needs to get of my fucking back about this girl thing. It's not important. I don't need some mormon hussie telling me no to do shit. I can take care of myself. Yes, I spend all of my time in the nerdiest place I could possibly hope to be found in, and yes, I spend it there with a bunch of dudes. If I had a girl, I wouldn't be at the Keep all the time. I like being at the Keep all the time. I like the game, and I like the guys I play it with. Plus, there's no way to meet girls at school or at tournaments anyway. And fuck you, I'm going to Knoxville in a few weeks, and I'm gonna do what ever the fuck I want. Girls just slow me down. The exceptions being the ones I found in K-town. Gabby, Morgan, and Daisy were all constructive. They all helped me. They built me up, even if they tore me down afterwards. They didn't slow me down, and they didn't judge me. They know me, and for the most part, accept me. Fuck this place.

I'm gonna go see No Doubt and Paramore in two months. And then two monthes after that, go nuts at Warped Tour in California, and see Blink 182. And thow in some West Coast Pro Tour/ Grand Prix Magic tournaments in there. And then play a few shows with my band. And snowboard alot. I like my life. But somthing's always mssing isn't it?

I love to be outside when it's this warm at night. It's been like 50 here. It reminds me of all those times I suck out of my house at night to go be with Gabby. I Always think of those nights when it feels like this outside. Dark, humid, and warm. It feels dangerous. It feels exciting. I miss those nights with more longing than I can articulate. The times when I truly didn't care about anything but love. Not this distasteful apathy I've cultivated, just no... complications. No distractions. No expectations. It didn't matter I couldn't make a big show, and take her on wonderfull dates. It didn't matter that I was going to be gone in a few hours. It didn't matter that the sky was bleached with smog, even throughout the night. It didn't matter that we were sitting on hard asphault, leaning against a shity car. It only mattered that she was holding my hand, an I was holding hers. It only mattered that I loved her, and she knew it. It only mattered tha we both knew what we were risking, and were willing, no, anxious to take the risk.

I can't compare the experience to anything else I've ever felt. Those nights are the reason I'm alive. Those nights are my most precious memory. Every time I step outside, and the weather feels even remotely like that, I think of those nights. Those memories used to be painfull. In the summer, locked away in a prison I 'earned'. Working for a few hours at night in the hot southern summer nights, would depress me for days. Reliving those memories while they were only a few weeks old, and knowing I couldn't make new ones for a long time, hurt unimaginably. And latter, summer nights when I was free of boarding school, and was alone in all sences of the word, reliving those memories while  they were only a few months old, was even more painfull. With the reality that I could never have the same nights, the pain increased without units with scale enough to measure. But I still had the weather. I still had the air. The same stained sky. The same sticky, viscous atmosphere. An almost tangible reminder that could add just the slightest sweetness to the bitter sorrow I would feel.

Now I don't have the air. Now I don't have the sky. I have, with absolute certainty, no chance of ever reliving those nights in reality. I have sacrifice, failure, misanthropy, guilt, and fear. I'll never even come close to those nights. And I feel o.k. about it. I know that I've outgrown the carefree attitude I had. I know that I don't have the capacity to feel that way. Simplicity is lost forever, and I know it. It adds acomplishment to those nights. Makes the memories worth something. Makes them sweeter than they've ever been. The reality of the mythic nights being lost forever makes the memory all I have. And the acknowledgement of defeat makes your nostalgic victories seem bigger than they were. Maybe those nights weren't that great. Ask Gabby. Maybe she wanted more. Maybe my simplicity was as agrevating to her as these memories were to me. I don't want to know. I want these exaturated memories. I like my fictional reveries. My impossible dreams.

Fuck this place. This was dumb. I miss the south. WTF. I MISS THE SOUTH. Fuck me. Shut up.

Don't assume for even one second that putting a prettier family in a big white house changes anything. You're still going to do whatever it takes to pay your bills. You're still going to go to church. You're still going to be superficialy satisfied with your middle-class life. Your still the same person, and our society is still a fucked up shit hole of hatefull propaganda. The idea that your elected officials are actually working for the ideals of the people is ridiculously naive. They're elected by corporations. Their multi-billion dollar campaigns are financed by elitist intrests who use the poltical system for profit. There is no man behind the curtain. He's on your tv set, coming through your radio, and infecting every mass-media outlet he can pay for.  I'm not saying that politicians are the devil. They're just looking out for theirselves, and their families. Yoiu would to, if you could buy that many ballots.

There's a war going on for your mind
Media mavens mount surgical strikes from trapper keeper collages and online magazine racks
Cover girl cutouts throw up pop-up ads
Infecting victims with silicone shrapnel
Worldwide passenger pigeons deploy paratroopers
Now it's raining pornography
Lovers take shelter
Post-production debutantes pursue you in nascar chariots
They construct ransom letters from biblical passages and bleed mascara into holy water supplies
There's a war going on for your mind
Industry insiders slang test tube babies to corporate crackheads
They flash logos and blast ghettos
Their embroidered neckties say "stop snitchin'"
Conscious rappers and whistleblowers get stitches made of acupuncture needles and marionette strings
There is a war going on for your mind
Professional wrestlers and vice presidents want you to believe them
The desert sky is their bluescreen
They superimpose explosions
They shout at you
"pay no attention to the men behind the barbed curtain
Nor the craters beneath the draped flags
Those hoods are there for your protection
And meteors these days are the size of corpses
There's a war going on for your mind
We are the insurgents



The last thing the men behind the curtain want is a conscious informed public capable of critical thinking. Which is why a continually fraudulent zeitgeist is output via religion, the mass media, and the educational system. They seek to keep you in a distracted, naive bubble. And they are doing a damn good job of it.

 http://cgi.ebay.com/Fender-Toronado-Electric-Guitar-2002-Graffiti-Yellow_W0QQitemZ180318262015QQcmdZViewItemQQptZGuitar?hash=item180318262015&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14&_trkparms=72%3A1205%7C66%3A2%7C65%3A12%7C39%3A1%7C240%3A1318%7C301%3A1%7C293%3A1%7C294%3A50

What do you think about God?

LEAVE A COMMENT AND I'LL...
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you which song or movie you remind me of.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you.
8. I'll tell you my favorite thing about you.
9. I'll tell you my least favorite thing about you.
10. If you play, you MUST post this on yours.

I don't care. I really don't. Wake up. Don't care. Go to school. Don't care. Do your work. Doesn't phase me. Come home. Whatever.

This is all really pointless shit. Everything is horribly boring. Everything is pointless. Nothing is static. Nothing is sound. Everything changes. But everything stays similar And I don't care anymore.

It's just a matter of time until something happens. Something tragic, or exiting, or... anything to break the monotony. Then I'll care again. But right now, I won't even say "Fuck you". That's how little it matters. That's how small you are.

So, nevermind, I'm not coming to knoxville on the 20th. I'll be busy planning my suicide.

 I'm coming home on January 20th for a few days.

I've been listening to a lot of emo music lately. Not like, the, "I wanna kill myself" emo more just emo sounding stuff. Some boy with a really high voice, a bunch a power chords and a really basic beat. Kids that still think the bass guitar is a very, very important instrument. I don' know how these kids 'made it'. They're not saying anything. They don't have any.... empathy. Like, when you're listening to a song, lets say, something angry, and you feel that little tinge of adrenalin. Or a sad song, and you're almost at tears and you don't know why. None of that. No emotion. Why the fuck is this called emo then? They need to get over themselves: they're not amazing introspective musical geniuses. But they can make a damn good hook. All they have to do is write two versus of meaninglessly sad sounding crap, and then repeat the uber-catchy chorus eight times. All these stupid little boys. At least Fall out boy has some wit, and the balls to cover Michael Jackson.

You know what I got for Capitolistmas?



Gloves.

BREAKFAST"MEL's ALLEY""HIDDEN SPLENDOR"IDK who this guy is.

I'm in Park City. None of you know the Salt Lake City area, but Park City is a resort up in the mountains. Google it. Colin'swhole family is here, so that's cool. I'll be boarding for two days, and then I go back down to West Jordan (where I live) to do who knows what. Prolly hang out at a nickelcade.

I haven't slept more than an hour or two any night except the first since I've been here. I have bad dreams every night. I really uderestimated my attachment to this stupid girl.

STUPID FUCKING GIRL. 

School here is odd. It's really relaxed. It feels wrong. The entire school attitude here is different. Back home, it was like, "You are here to lean. We can make you lean.". Here, it's like, "Don't mess with the teachers, and they won't mess with you.".My old vice principal: Mrs. Bean (aka: Bitch Prime) was just out to get people. Prowling the halls for PDA or cell phones or whatever. All of the administration, and most of the teachers, just seemed generally at odds with the students. Here they seem to enjoy what they're doing. They seem to be doing it for a reason. It's not a power trip, they genuinely want to teach. Here, you can have your phone out in the halls, between classes. You can listen to music at lunch. Your tech isn't impairing your learning at lunch, and it isn't stopping you from getting to class. As long as you don't mess with real class time, no one in a position of power don't mess with you.

School here is odd. They have a weird scheduling system. I have four classes a day, an hour and a half each. But we have A-days and B-days. On A-days I have classes 1,2,3, and 4. On B-days I have 5, 6, 7, and 8. Also,they run on quarters, like the boarding school I went to. So I can fail all my classes from Bearden, and still get half a year's credit for the same classes.

Oh, I just got internet. My last post was done in note pad the first night I got here, and then posted from my car when I was near someone's unsecured network.

I'm kind of freaking out here. I rebooted my life. Just when it was getting good. It's like hitting reset right before you get to that final boss. I have to start form scratch. I don't know a soul. This guy that we're renting this tiny basement from looks younger that me, but he has 4 kids. His wife has a very heavy hispanic accent. There's a point on whatever interstate we were on, where you're on top of a mountain, and you come around a turn, and you see an ocean of light underneath you. This city is huge. Massive. Collosal. Gargantuan. As we drove past what looked like several aircraft hangers rolled together, I hear "that's your school". That's my school? That's like 4 schools. That's like, my old elementry, middle, and high schools combined. That place is fucking huge. Also, every house in my neighborhood/subdivision looks exactly the same.The only way to tell them apart is by the different colored christmas lights they have. Gramms starts work on monday, I don't even know when I start school. I don't even want to know. WHen I first started at Bearden, it was hell. I was coming off a farm, and going to what I thought was a huge high school. This is going to kill me. I can't deal with this. I'm going to have to wear earplugs. I can't deal with that many people. I was not prepared for this. Not by a long shot. I don't know why I was expecting to land in a resort, but I was. I was expecting views. I was expecting nature. I got a basement. I got concrete. Also, I don't have internet. I'm writing this in notepad I'll post it first chance. But Gramms swore up and down to me that there would be internet the second we got here. She swore there'd be a hard line so I could hook up my xbox. There isn't. The dude upstairs, Nathan, said all I need to hookup to the wireless is a card. I don't even have a card, I have built-in. But it doesn't matter. It's a protected network, so I need a password, or WEP key. But my lousy laptop won't even hookup to it to tell me that I need a key. I miss Gabby. But I guess I'm going to for a long time. It's 10:52 here. 12:52 there. How's it feel to be in the future guys? Apperently, every pizza you get odered to your house here comes with "Crushed Red Pepper". Spicy weird stuff.

Dear Santa... Dear Santa, This year I've been busy! In August I caught a purse-snatcher who stole yoai_freak's purse (30 points). In April on a flight to Bangladesh, I stole the emergency flight information card (-40 points). In September I ruled Iran as a kind and benevolent dictator (700 points). Last Tuesday I invaded Iraq, broke it, and couldn't glue it back together before Mom got home (-1012 points). In March I saved a busload of nuns in Angola (326 points). Overall, I've been nice (4 points). For Christmas I deserve a wedgie! Sincerely, nobloodoath

Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username:

I bought a lot of clothes today. Which is weird. Cause I havn't bought any clothes in like,two years. And I'm pleased to announce that I am way fatter than I thought. With all my new "dressy" clothes... I look like the kingpin.


 



Maybe a non-smoker kingpin with hair.





And a tank.




 

 

 

Maybee I got a little carried away with paint.

She crashed her car, and I was in it.
Just a small hit. A love tap.
No damage. No severe injury.
It felt really... good.
She hurt herself a little though, and that kind of kills the whole experience.
I saw he fly forward into the windshield.
I saw her get injured.
I didn't react.

Noone reacts.

I need to never get behind the wheel of a car.
I'm going to hurt someone.
And with my luck, it won't be me.
God knows I deserve it.
I'm a cancer matasisized to my generation.
I'm the bomb planted under my best freinds' skin.
I'm a violent dream from which you can never escape.


You have to be crazy to stay this sain.

I'm sick.
Everything hurts.
My lungs are lead.
My being shot with lasers anytime I turn a light on.
When she talks, I hear mumbles.
I've concocted several completly useless medicinal combinations. (if i toss in antifreeze, ill get meth)
I'm too hot.
It's too cold.
And antibiotics taste horrid.

Would you?

Do you ever get the urge to destroy somthing?
Like, the need to crash a car, or blow up a building.
I do.

Not like, a murdurous feeling. I don't even want to hurt anyone. I just want to demolish somthing. I to hear an explosion and know it's mine. I want to twist metal into shapes I didn't even know existed. I want to see solid concrete become nothing more than grey sand. I want to melt glass so it refracts light into full spectrums of color. I want to feel the percussion of a shockwave against my ribcage. I want to se flames bigger than men.

Not like in movies. Not like in wars.
Not to fake. Not to real.
Dangerous, but not endangering.

Meme's suck.

I'm going to South Carolina Nov. 11.

My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
nobloodoath goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as An Orca.
4ever_sleep tricks you! You get a dead frog.
alovelyhaunting gives you 16 teal cherry-flavoured gumdrops.
antisaints gives you 16 milky white cherry-flavoured gumdrops.
yoai_freak gives you 19 purple spearmint-flavoured wafers.
nobloodoath ends up with 51 pieces of candy, and a dead frog.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

My father and I communicate only through E-mail. It's the only way I can tolerate him. I broke the news to him about me moving.








My Dad:

Why are you moving ? Is your grandma moving there or something ? What is going on ? You hardly talk to me and have not even wanted to see me in 2 years and now you want to move. Well I cant tell you what to do but you are old enough to make your own decisions. what about school. when is your fall break ? It seems your friends are too important to you for you to come see me but not important enough to stay there insted of ut. Well let me know whats going on. You can call me at home....


Me:

I don't come to see you cause I never know where you're going to be living, who you're going to be living with, or in what condition your life is in. I know you don't believe it, but I really do get sick every time I stay around smoke. And yes, my friends are very important to me.I have friends here that are generally concerned with my well-being, which is more than I can say for any family member I have. I've gone through hell with my friends. I've bled with them. I've cried with them. I've fought with, and alongside them.I've been with them when they've lost parents. I've been there when they've lost friends. I've prayed with them. I've broken laws with them. I've run from cops with them. I've been a runnaway, hidden stowaways, and planned escapes with them. And they can all say the same about me. I believe I'll see my friends again, because they've always made an effort to be with me. We're a tight-knit group. And moving, even across the fucking country, won't change that.
I can remember two things about visiting you: boredom, and coughing.
So, yeah, my friends are too important for me to come see you.
And I don't have a choice about moving.

kissing mishaps.






:(

Just so you know. God is a Squid. A giant squid, at the center of a tootsie pop/universe.
Also, global warming is God using his lazer vision on the earth. He's pissed off.


Also.
This has been playing in my head for about a week.
It's Reliant k. You'd prolly hate them.

"Bite My Tongue"

I was gonna spell it out
In detail but
I dropped the call
Before I spilled my guts
The floor stayed clean
Like my conscience would be
'Cause if you heard anything
You didn't hear it from me

I'm sweeping up the seconds
That tick off the clock
Save them all for later
When I'm too ticked to talk
And I need some time
To search my mind
To locate the words
That seem so hard to find

And sometimes I say things that
I wish that I could take back
The most crucial thing I lack is the thing called "tact"
And if you're always so intently listening
Then the smartest thing to say
Is to tell myself not to say a thing

Yeah I gotta keep quiet quiet
Don't let it all come undone
'Cause if I dare open my mouth
It'll just be to bite my tongue
To bit my tongue

I said I'm always close-minded
With an open mouth
And the worst of me
Seems to come right out
But I've never broken bones
With a stone or a stick
But I've conjured up a phrase
That can cut to the quick

And sometimes I say things that
I wish that I could take back
And the smartest thing to say
Is to tell myself to keep

Quiet quiet
Don't let it all come undone
'Cause if I dare open my mouth
It'll just be to bite my tongue
Yeah I gotta keep quiet quiet
Listen to your voice
Because the power of your words
Can repair all that I destroyed

And when I finally do
Let it come from you
The peace of understanding grips my soul
You're the reason I
Have meaning in this life
Is so I swallow all my pride
And give you control
I give it all to you

And I gotta keep quiet quiet
Don't let it all come undone
'Cause if I dare open my mouth
It'll just be to bite my tongue
I gotta keep quiet quiet
Listen to your voice
Because the power of your words
Can repair all that I destroyed
And I gotta keep quiet quiet
Don't let it all come undone
'Cause if I dare open my mouth
It'll just be to bite my tongue
Bite my tongue

I got in a fight tonight.

I was going at Boomsday, trying to get to where Gabby was; and I guess I pushed the wrong guy.
"Don't push me, or I'll beat your ASS." Extreme emphasis on ass. I just laughed, and that's what started it. This guy was skinny, really skinny. And he wants to fuck with me, who's obviously bigger than him, and just finished walking five miles, only to face failure of my goal.

Anyway.

"Don't push me, or I'll beat your ASS."
[laughter] -me
"Seriously, you better back the FUCK up.
[more laughter] "I didn't mean to hurt you" -me
"I'M gonna hurt YOU!"

And then he just swings at me. WTF. SERIOUSLY. Who picks a fight with a high schooler in the middle of a crowd, for no reason? Who would just go off and swing over a push? And, gawd, his girlfriend... she was laughing at him. Until he started bleeding.

I'll leave out the details, cause it would be hard to explain, but that guy will be fine.
I'm a little roughed up though.
I had to leave, cause I couldn't go see anyone in the shape I was in.
When I called Gabby to ask if she was leaving, I could hardly talk. I didn't tell her what happened, or why I couldn't see her, and I think she got mad at me for it.

I am a logical contradiction.
I am a beautiful abomination.
I am a healing cancer.
I am an abnormal conformity.
I am a slovenly activist.
I am a vegan butcher.
I am a gargantuan atom.
I am a merciful murderer.
I am a living ghost.
I am a stoic extrovert.
I am a wild technology.
I am a green orange.
I am a live-action cartoon.
I am a comforting disruption.
I am a horrible saint.
I am here.
I am there.
I am alive.
I am dead.

Holy Fucking Shit.

I got it.


http://cgi.ebay.com/Fender-Toronado-with-EMG-81-SEND-ME-AN-OFFER_W0QQitemZ320282915741QQihZ011QQcategoryZ156025QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

Got my schedule a couple days ago. Everybody I know put theirs on the internet immediately. So stalling for a couple of days is my way of rebelling. Oh how very rebel.

1st Semester.
Drivers ed.--Taylor
Geometry--TBA
US History--Daugherty [what a weird name]
English III--Corey

2nd Semester.
Advanced Theater Art--Dickson [WHATTHEFUCK!? getting changed]
Wildlife principles--Savery [yay for hippie classes]
Development of rock and roll-- Farmer [fuck yeah]
Etymology/mythology-- Hughes

Back at home. Umm... yay. I guess I traded boredom for chaos. Whatever, It's more fun.

So this whole ,"LOL DJ'S GAY HAHA!" thing has got to stop. It's really not funny. I've put up with it for fuck'n ever and I'm really tired of it. It's not a joke anymore, and I'm not going to treat it like one.

Sorry for the rant.

So I have a really weird sleep patern now. I stay up till like 9 in the morning, and sleep till 7 at night. It allows me to completly avoid the sun if I choose [little emo kid that I am]. Of course, next week, when I'm back at home, I will be forced to wake up at a cetain time. Reguardless of when I went to sleep. Grams is evil like that. It's not really somthing I can help though.